Tackling America’s School Shooting Epidemic: Can’t We Just Give Everyone Firearms or Something?

By Ellie Gottesman and Grady Short


After yet another unimaginably tragic school shooting, this time in Parkland, Florida, government officials and stable geniuses on the right have finally resolved to stop the killing of more innocent children.

In a strong statement, House Speaker and prominent Republican Paul Ryan urged us not “to jump to some conclusion not knowing the full facts” when asked whether the police should be able to confiscate guns from the mentally ill.

Ryan sure knows what he’s talking about. More expansive background checks, the prohibition of military-grade firearms, and the establishment of strict psychological testing for gun owners would just be too simple. And if we didn’t all have the unrestricted right to own assault weapons, how else would we fight back if King George imposed more taxes on us?

Ithaca-Gun-Company-Congressman-Paul-Ryan
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, seen here defending himself from an oppressive colonial power with nothing but a single-shot musket, is a prominent opponent of gun control laws.  Photo courtesy Ammoland.com.

But something must be done. Thoughts and prayers simply aren’t enough. Thus, in a time when our fellow students across the country are getting mowed down by gunfire more frequently than Orrin Hatch blinks, we ask the Republicans in Washington D.C. to obfuscate and misdirect as much as possible. We’re frightened to go to school because of deep, visceral fear — so please, take as much time as you need.

Thankfully, conservative intellectuals know just what to do.  Here are our favorite ideas we’ve seen or come up with to prevent school shootings.

We should arm the teachers. President Donald Trump brilliantly suggested that we arm teachers in the aftermath of the Parkland shooting. We’re all for it.  After all, every teacher we’ve ever had epitomizes stability and perfect judgment — even if they can’t always operate a projector safely.  They also seem like they would be excellent markspeople. Who wouldn’t feel safer if all our teachers were packing heat?

We should arm the students.  Imagine a school shooter facing down thousands of good guys with guns.  Arming students would maximize security in schools. Also, can you imagine how kind we’d all be to each other if the penalty for petty squabbling on the playground was instant death?

Two words: bulletproof clothing. In an economic development that would make Ayn Rand proud, entrepreneurial companies are now selling Kevlar backpacks and bulletproof clothing to students. Instead of facing an issue as polarizing and divisive as gun violence, we can all just re-accessorize with padded jackets. We hear that Kevlar is the new chiffon.

It’s obvious that our founding fathers intended to enable mentally ill individuals to murder dozens of school-age children at a time using easily attainable, automatic, military-style weapons — at least if you interpret the Second Amendment in accordance with the gun lobby’s vested interests and without any historical context.  So rather than worry about trivial issues, like the right to not be shot and killed in a place of learning, let’s protect American values by providing more guns to the most reliable and civil people on the planet: high school students.  As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of innocent schoolchildren and checks from the NRA.”


We may have taken some artistic liberties with the Thomas Jefferson quote, but the rest of the information cited in this article is accurate.  If you want to get the facts on this topic, we’ve compiled several articles and fact sheets from reliable media outlets that can be accessed here.