Photos Courtesy Creative Commons

On Saturday, Feb. 13, Joe Burrow and the Cincinnati Bengals will face off against Aaron Donald and the Los Angeles Rams in Super Bowl LVI. The MIHS Islander Staff attempts to predict the outcome of the game below:

Participating staff members: Editor in Chief Alex Levin, Sports Editor Asha Woerner, Opinions Editor Kate Grove, A&E Editor Max Hense, Multimedia Team Member Braeden Nett, Staff Writers Tiffany Zhang, Emily Fain, Katie Friedman, Ashwin Krishnaswamy, Kyle Gerstel and Adviser Chris Twombley.

Alex:

Rams 27, Bengals 23

I love Joe Burrow. And I love Jamarr Chase. Their connection this season has been magical, and I can’t wait to watch them embarrass defenses together for the next decade. But can the Bengals offensive line, which surrendered nine sacks to the Tennessee Titans two weeks ago, survive against a defense that boasts a deadly trio of Aaron Donald, Leonard Floyd and Von Miller? And while the Bengals secondary held its own against the Kansas City Chiefs’ passing attack in the AFC championship game, can the defense stop Cooper Kupp, who has 1947 receiving yards and 16 touchdown catches this season? No and no. I can only hope that this Super Bowl is just as exciting as the Bill-Chiefs game we saw earlier in the postseason, but either way, the Rams are going to walk away with this one.

Asha:

Rams 28, Bengals 9

Joe Burrow, Matthew Stafford, Evan Mcpherson, Cooper Kupp, Snoop Dogg and Kendrick Lamar. 2022 is shaping to be one of the most interesting Super Bowls since New England and Atlanta in 2016.  But, if you look past this gilded lineup you can see we are all in for another boring game where we all wished we showed up fashionably late. The Bengals are a Cinderella story, but this is where it ends. Their offensive line is a good matchup for a high school team and their defense cannot be counted on to be anything greater than average. And then there’s the Rams. What we have here is a team that committed to the Super Bowl, gave up draft picks for it and deserves to be there playing against a team that stumbled into the game on the feet of their rookie kicker. I think we’ll see Joe burrow get the Bengals into field goal range on the first drive or two, but then I would ask your kids to turn away as the Rams murder the Bengals Super Bowl LVI. 

Kate:

Rams 30, Bengals 21

Super Bowl LVI is already great. Why? Because we have two of the most likable quarterbacks in the league, Matthew Stafford and Joe Burrow, going head to head. That said, I am genuinely afraid for Burrow, who is standing behind the most inept offensive line to make it to the Super Bowl in years. Said offensive line happens to be going against the best player in the league— Aaron Donald (yeah, I said it). As a society, we have gotten too used to seeing godlike play from Donald every Sunday, but I think it’s about to be a whole lot more apparent that we’re in the presence of a football deity when he annihilates whatever guy the Bengals pull off the street to play right guard. Personally, I can’t wait to see Donald and Stafford take home their well-deserved rings. 

Max:

Bengals (a lot), Rams (less than that) 

Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow Joe Burrow.

Braeden:

Soccer Wins, Football loses

I predict that this season’s NFL writers will have the Bengals and Rams tie 21 to 21. As a consequence, the Browns will be awarded the Vince Lombardi trophy as a sign of mercy for their historical record of being bad at football (Talk about character development). Hopefully, the lazy writing of the season’s finale causes the general public to realize soccer is a much better sport anyway. 🙂

Tiffany:

Rams 30, Bengals 24

I want the Bengals to win. I really do. Joe Burrow deserves that Lombardi simply for saving us from watching Brittney Matthews and Jackson Mahomes dance their way through Super Bowl LVI. Vanquishing Brittney and Jackson from NFL social media until September? I mean, he’s a winner already. Unfortunately, Burrow is sitting behind a truly incompetent offensive line. Burrow was sacked 51 times, which is more than any other quarterback in the NFL this season. At this point, I’m shocked when Burrow doesn’t get sacked on a play. And to add insult to injury, the aforementioned offensive line is going up against Aaron Donald, who is widely touted as one of the—if not greatest—defensive players of all time. In addition to Donald, Zac Taylor also needs to overcome other players on the Rams’ star studded lineup such as Von Miller, Jalen Ramsey, and Cooper Kupp — who totaled 1947 receiving yards this season. It’ll be a brutal one. But hey, there might still be some hope. Look at the Titans for example: they sacked Burrow nine times and SOMEHOW still lost that game. I do truly hope that I’m wrong. Ja’Marr Chase supremacy.

Emily + Katie:

Rams 28, Bengals 21

Matthew Stafford has had a great season. He has performed well under pressure, with the support of his strong offensive line and continuously connected with wide receiver Cooper Kupp. Kupp has also had an outstanding season consisting of 1,947 yards and 16 touchdowns just in the regular season. He is a force to be reckoned with. As for the newbie on the team, wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr., he has yet to form a strong connection with Stafford. But we cannot deny, for his first season with the Rams, he’s doing quite well. In this showdown, we are eager to see an iconic, one-handed touchdown catch from him. In terms of protecting Stafford from opposing tackles, Andrew Whitworth does the job. As for the Rams defense, Von Miller, Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey’s trio is virtually unstoppable, holding their opponents to a maximum of 38 points in the regular season. The real question is whether or not Joe Burrow can overpower the Ram’s defense. With Ja’Marr Chase in Burrow’s vision, the two are unstoppable. Chase neared almost 1,500 yards receiving this season. Overall, we think the Rams are going to take the W. It will be a back and forth battle, that’s for sure, but we predict Sean Mcvay will pull his team together at the end of the fourth quarter to bring them to victory.

Ashwin:

Rams 35, Bengals 31

I don’t think the Bengals’ below-average offensive line can survive against Aaron Donald and Von Miller. Joe Burrow will be under heavy pressure the entire game, and as we learned last year with Patrick Mahomes, even great quarterbacks struggle under defensive duress. On the other side of the ball, the Bengals will be focused on limiting Cooper Kupp, who has had a phenomenal year, opening the floodgates for Odell Beckham Jr. I think Odell will have 100 yards receiving and win Super Bowl MVP. Also, here’s a storyline nobody is talking about: Before becoming the Bengals head coach, Zac Taylor worked under Sean McVay as the Rams quarterback/wide receiver coach for two years. In general in the NFL, established head coaches dominate their former coaching protégés (with the exception of Belichick against Flores). Joe Burrow will make the score close in the fourth quarter, but Sean McVay and Matt Stafford will earn their first Super Bowl together.

Kyle:

Capitalism Will Prevail

Ah, capitalism— America’s favorite team. It has infested our nation’s favorite pastime for years and I am confident Super Bowl LVI will be no different. First off, sports are inherently based upon the capitalist ideal that one team winning requires another losing. Propaganda much? Regardless, the sparse moments of gameplay during the Super Bowl are merely gold stars for sitting through the hours upon hours of commercials. Some even watch for the ads! Corporate America has made an event out of thin air for the sole purpose of reminding people to spend more money, yet we question why so many families lack financial stability? We have been taught as a society to be the best or worship those who accomplish what we cannot. In fact, by reading this article, you are proving that their plan has succeeded, and by contributing to it, I have become God.

Twom:

Put Your Money on the Socialist Status Quo

As usual, Kyle is wrong. So wrong.  First, baseball is our nation’s pastime, not football. Second, despite Kyle’s obvious delusions of grandeur, there is no god, even by his clever declension. Enough about Kyle. My first prediction sees this game the most talked about in NFL history— not for the mock heroism of the cannon fodder we call “players,” but for the sheer mediocrity of the game play. My second prediction follows from the former: This game, a term I use loosely here,  will end in a tie, a first in the storied self-congratulatory history of the Super Bowl.  Yes, a tie. I can think of no better outcome for two of the historically worst NFL franchises. The Bengals? Three Super Bowl appearances, no victories, and a losing record of 373-459-5 over 54 miserable seasons. To their disgrace, the Bengals have also given us hideous uniforms, the Ickey Shuffle and arguably the dirtiest player in recent NFL history, Vontaze Burfict. The Rams were the bane of my childhood, so bad that LA Times columnist Steve Harvey dubbed them the “Lambs.” So bad, they were moved by their owner, Georgia Frontiere, to St. Louis, where to her credit as a woman in male-dominant sport, she spent the Rams to their last championship in 1999, the first in four tries. Over the team’s regrettable history, they are merely 19 games over 500, with 21 ties. Finally, I’m reminded of Marx’s dictum: “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs”: I think the great economist and philosopher would agree that each team’s historical ability screams mediocrity, and while both need a win, in the modern zero-sum game of gladiatorial NFL football, there must be a loser. Hence, because both teams are so used to losing, a tie is the only outcome that preserves the equality of both franchises.

Bungles 0, Lambs 0