Readers, I’m gonna get right down to brass tacks. Why did the 200 bathroom keep closing? When it closed the first time I thought “Oh this is hilarious, clearly there was some malfunction or graffiti,” and if you read “Unfounded Assumptions” from a couple months ago you can read all of my predictions as to why it was closed The First Time. When we published that article I was afraid that when the paper was distributed, the bathroom closures wouldn’t be relevant any more. But thank god that two months later the bathrooms are still being closed and my article is still relevant (Note to editor: are people still sad about Paul Walker? If not I have a hilarious idea).

My first issue with the closures: It’s only happening to the boys bathrooms. In accordance with  gender stereotypes, we are likely looking at a female perpetrator. Assuming someone’s behavior because of sex, has to end, especially when it’s directed at men. You know what else? Only girls are allowed to join Women in STEM Club. Trust me, I tried, but they said, “No Spencer, you can’t join our club as a joke.” (New Gen Club, return my emails, I’m “interested.”)

Here’s my second issue with the closures: The rumors are definitely way more hilarious than what actually happened (My editors are telling me that I’m not allowed to refer to acts of vandalism as “hilarious”).  Here are a couple of my favorite rumours over the past few weeks:

Somebody stole a sink.

Not only are sinks firmly installed in the wall, but they are also made out of solid porcelain and weigh upwards of fifty pounds. Theft implies stealth. How are you supposed to sneak out of school holding a massive sink? I’m like 85 percent sure that Kelly would stop a student sprinting out of the 200 Hall bathroom with a sink. You can’t “Oceans 11” a sink.

Someone pooped directly on the floor.

This sounds like something that I’d make up, but this is legitimately believed by a portion of the student body. This rumour guarantees that no real explanation will ever be as hilarious as the idea of some idiot doing her business in the middle of the bathroom.

Someone pooped in a sink, which they then stole.

The perfect crime.

Readers, this week’s installment isn’t as much of a humor edition as it is a plea: Please don’t poop anywhere besides the designated pooping areas!!!  Note to editor: Bellevue High school is NOT a designated pooping area).

That’s all that I have.

-Your pal, Spencer