By Maya Virdell

Capricorn

December 22 – January 20

• stress is a personality trait now
• smiling through the pain
• everyone thinks you’re put together and goes to you for advice but in reality you need advice
• 0.2 seconds away from breaking down

Aquarius

January 21 – February 19

• good news you got your test back and aced it!
• bad news you forgot to put your name on it.
• you tell the teacher it was yours but they don’t believe you.

Pisces

February 20 – March 20

• caught your friend talking behind your back
• joined in not knowing they were talking about you
• now everyone is confused and you are confused about why they are confused

Taurus

April 21 – May 21

• woke up 15 minutes before school started, rolled out of bed and tripped over your backpack and face planted. It’s fine you’re fine though, yeah, totally.
• everyone keeps asking if you’re sick but you just didn’t have time to shower or brush your hair.  
• teacher marked you absent even though you were there the whole time.

Aries

March 21 – April 20

• made an impulsive last minute decision to stay up all night watching vine compilations and eating hot cheetos instead of studying for your math quiz.
• you show up to your math class and suddenly all you can think about is why arkansas is pronounced arkanSAW instead of kansas. You are confusion. America explain???

Gemini

May 22 – June 21

• the teacher moved your seat away from your friend so you would stop talking
• jokes on them though everyone in class is your friend
• got kicked out of class for talking. It was the one time you actually asked a clarifying academic related question

Cancer

June 22 – July 22

• just had your fifth mental breakdown this morning, congrats it’s less than yesterday
• tears are good for your skin, so at least your skin will look good.
• forgot about your test next period? Don’t worry, your grade can’t get any lower anyway!

Leo

July 23 – August 23

• got overly excited about chicken tender tuesday and ran to the line only to trip on someone’s shoe and ram your head into the wall.
• currently in the nurse’s office and they won’t stop handing you ice.
• by the time you leave the nurses all the chicken tenders are gone and all that’s left is honey mustard.

Virgo

August 24 – September 23

• stayed up all night learning about 18th century france, woke up and screamed “Vive la revolution!”
• you’re so stressed about school, you can’t feel anything at this point
• feelings? What’s that? Never heard of them.

Libra

September 24 – October 23

• currently in an argument with your friend. midway through you realize your point is wrong but at this point it is too late to turn back.
• better to keep up the argument than to admit you’re wrong!
• the argument was about superior dipping sauces. Ranch vs. honey mustard vs. barbecue
• you lost a friend cause of it

Scorpio

October 24 – November 22

• finished their test with plenty of time afterward. Before turning it in you checked and double checked
• felt confident and turned it in
• only to realize later there was a whole backside that you didn’t do
• went to go to talk to the teacher after school only to discover they left for Cuba for three weeks

Sagittarius

November 23 – 21 December

• showed up to class only to realize there was a surprise exam
• you panicked and fled to the vape infested bathroom
• until there was a fire alarm drill and you were forced to evacuate the school
• you ended up running into your teacher but it was fine because they didn’t realize you were gone. they didn’t even know your name.