For millennia, males, females, and non-binary people have suffered from the chaos and destruction of an uncontrolled hallway. But no more. Photo by Natalie Chen.
Last night I was greeted with a vision. A vision of a harmonious hallway, free from the sin that plagues our great halls. Fortunately, I was also shown by great prophets in my vision how to achieve a state of hallway bliss. I, Roni Talby, am here to spread the vision of peace and civility in our great hallways, cited in ten conveniently travel-sized commandments.
- Thou shalt not standeth in the way hallway traffic.
- No one shall link arms in the hallway, thus creating a traffic jam.
- Thou shalt not be on your phone in the halls; if it be true tis an emergency thou wouldn’t be in a loud, crowded hallway in the first place.
- Thou shalt walketh in the direction of your brethren or go to the other side of the hall or go outside and wander in the amphitheater.
- Thou shalt not throweth balls in the hallway. The punishment for such treachery shall be a thrown football at the body part of the punisher’s choice.
- If thou seest someone blocking hallway traffic, tis not just thy option, but thy duty to shove the rogues as rudely as possible to the side.
- Thou shalt not roughhouse in the hallways.
- Thou shalt not disturb someone crying in the hallway. ‘Tis their business.
- If it be true band is marching through the hallways, the members art forbidden from making ungraceful eye contact at random bystanders.
- In case of a collision, the person who had the right of way is not required to apologize, and are owed a mumbled ‘sorry’ from the one at fault.
I, Roni Talby, maven of MIHS hallway etiquette, have been at work tirelessly to have these commandments enforced, but until the administrators come out of their winterly hibernation, there is not much I can do but spread my message. I might be a voice calling from the wilderness, but don’t hate the messenger. For that matter, don’t hate the message either.