By Ben Capuano
To those new to our school district this year — we get it, you might not know what to expect from the school newspaper. That’s fair. How could you have been expected to keep up with the best student newspaper in the country when you didn’t even know it existed? But now you’re officially part of our school. You have no excuse. You should be studying every issue we ever publish.
But if you still don’t trust us, here are five thought-provoking reasons to subscribe to The MIHS Islander:
1) The Intellect Boost
A recent study conducted by The Islander’s Humor section found that those who subscribe to our newspaper immediately enjoy a 100 to 200 percent boost in neurological performance, dubbed “The Islander Effect.” This effect is directly measurable through a GPA increase of about one or two points across all classes.
2) A Gift For Everybody
If you have a friend or family member that loves MIHS but lives too far way to experience it in person, a subscription might be the perfect way to say “We love you too!” On the flip side, gift us to your worst enemy and they’ll get a paper from somewhere they don’t recognize with no way to cancel it. How delightfully devious! Even the most heinous people out there will find that The Islander works wonders as wrapping paper for any occasion.
3) Nutritional Benefits
Nine out of 10 parents agree that The Islander is a delicious part of a nutritious breakfast. Some of our favorite ways to ingest this treat include scrambled, fried, sunny side up, smothered with gravy or in a bowl full of milk. For the extra adventurous, a little bit of hot sauce goes a long way!
4) Real Time News Coverage
With issues released only months apart, you can count on The Islander for the fast paced coverage that your fast paced life demands! Proudly featuring reviews of movies that came out as recently as last year, we guarantee that we’ll keep you on top of what’s new in entertainment, everywhere from the comfort of your own home to the hustle and bustle of your Walking for Fitness class.
5) Emergency Preparation
An issue of The Islander acts as both a wonderful piece of student media and a versatile, life saving tool in case of an emergency. Falling out of a plane? Fold those pages into a parachute and glide down to safety! Drowning? Our publication can be folded into a boat big enough for five people! Even in the event of an earthquake, The Islander’s soft but sturdy pulp is more than enough to protect your body from deadly rubble.
On top of all these beautiful assets, The Islander boasts features covering US Secretary of Defense James Mattis and ASB President Jon Na, a web of subscribers across multiple continents, and a vast array of content produced by students just like you.
We promise: there’s no better way to be an Islander than by reading The Islander.