All That I Have: Week 3

By Spencer Klein


My articles go through an active screening process. Ideas like “Magic Johnson AIDS Prom” and “Hanukkah is responsible for 90% of house fires” are cut and left to bleed in Room 301. But every now and then, a magic gem of borderline might-make-someone-beat-me comedy slips through Twombley’s tight, suffocating fingers.

With that in mind, it is my pleasure to introduce the comprehensive list of Spencer’s Gems™, Part One. (Note to the editor: I’m calling it “Part One” so I can do the exact same bit another week — presumably called “Part Two” — when I have yet again run out of ideas).

  • Tom Hanks’ being nice fetish
  • Jewish-Russian Roulette
  • Kevin Spacey is a mean dude
  • Bill Clinton passionately playing the saxophone
  • Cocaine sand castles
  • And the Nobel prize for sexiest jowls goes to…
  • “Breath vape into my mouth while we make out, President Regan”
  • Integrity, Innovation and DRUGS???
  • The word “penis”
  • Strip-magic the gathering
  • Jerry Seinfeld narrating a war documentary
  • Muppet Orgy
  • Jamaican war horn
  • Harassment in the TWERK place
  • Paul Walker’s sexy corpse
  • Keyboard cat goes to hell
  • Amazon Alexa™ giving a eulogy
  • Charming anti-semitism in Disney’s early films
  • A shirtless Downton Abbey Fire-man themed calendar
  • “If the teacher isn’t here in fifteen minutes we’re legally allowed to vomit in their desk”
  • Spiderman but instead of webs he shoots pus
  • Snapple facts to further an alt-right agenda
  • Would you bloodlet for a Klondike Bar©?
  • Will you pick the red pill or adderall?
  • How many licks does it take to get to Dylan Notturno’s cold, cold heart?
  • Hannah Montana but instead of turning into a popstar she turns into Rick Harrison from Pawn stars, and then proceeds to hit on high school boys
  • Booty shorts for old people
  • Tickle tickle, hammer and sickle

That’s all that I have.

Your pal,

Spencer


This week’s concept was given to me by Emily Reyes, a student at MIHS.