By Spencer Klein
My articles go through an active screening process. Ideas like “Magic Johnson AIDS Prom” and “Hanukkah is responsible for 90% of house fires” are cut and left to bleed in Room 301. But every now and then, a magic gem of borderline might-make-someone-beat-me comedy slips through Twombley’s tight, suffocating fingers.
With that in mind, it is my pleasure to introduce the comprehensive list of Spencer’s Gems™, Part One. (Note to the editor: I’m calling it “Part One” so I can do the exact same bit another week — presumably called “Part Two” — when I have yet again run out of ideas).
- Tom Hanks’ being nice fetish
- Jewish-Russian Roulette
- Kevin Spacey is a mean dude
- Bill Clinton passionately playing the saxophone
- Cocaine sand castles
- And the Nobel prize for sexiest jowls goes to…
- “Breath vape into my mouth while we make out, President Regan”
- Integrity, Innovation and DRUGS???
- The word “penis”
- Strip-magic the gathering
- Jerry Seinfeld narrating a war documentary
- Muppet Orgy
- Jamaican war horn
- Harassment in the TWERK place
- Paul Walker’s sexy corpse
- Keyboard cat goes to hell
- Amazon Alexa™ giving a eulogy
- Charming anti-semitism in Disney’s early films
- A shirtless Downton Abbey Fire-man themed calendar
- “If the teacher isn’t here in fifteen minutes we’re legally allowed to vomit in their desk”
- Spiderman but instead of webs he shoots pus
- Snapple facts to further an alt-right agenda
- Would you bloodlet for a Klondike Bar©?
- Will you pick the red pill or adderall?
- How many licks does it take to get to Dylan Notturno’s cold, cold heart?
- Hannah Montana but instead of turning into a popstar she turns into Rick Harrison from Pawn stars, and then proceeds to hit on high school boys
- Booty shorts for old people
- Tickle tickle, hammer and sickle
That’s all that I have.
This week’s concept was given to me by Emily Reyes, a student at MIHS.