Hello readers. Do you ever find yourself saying “Gosh, I think ‘Unfounded Assumptions’ is funny but I sure wish it was more frequently published?”
And then do you find me saying, “Gee I sure wish I wrote more humor columns, but at the same time I almost run out of ideas every month?”
And then do you find Chris Twombley saying, “Spencer, I want you to write something weekly or I’ll give you an F in journalism?”
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this column/EUCRISA© is for you (Note to editor: Do not use EUCRISA if you are allergic to crisaborole or any of the ingredients in EUCRISA. EUCRISA may cause side effects including allergic reactions at or near the application site; these can be serious and may include hives, itching, swelling, and redness. If you have any of these symptoms, stop using EUCRISA and get medical help right away).
This new column is called “All That I Have.” It will be published every Wednesday. The reason it’s called “All That I Have” is because this column will feature literally All That I Have™. This may include: personal recollections of personal events during the week, my reaction to international, national and local news, weird stuff that’s happening at the school (note to editor: if Herbert the Snail ever has an embezzlement scandal, notify me IMMEDIATELY), funny ideas that I think are funny, funny ideas that Jeff Parkinson thinks are funny, funny ideas that some staff writers have, or answers to reader-submitted questions, which you can submit at either firstname.lastname@example.org or my email address from third grade, email@example.com. PLEASE submit questions, because again, I am running out of ideas. I’m like a cowboy who shot all six rounds in his first duel, or a mom who had six kids at once. Also, keep in mind that I’m writing this for a grade. So the more you mention to Chris Twombley in the halls how much you like this column, the closer to an A+ I get.
I’ll close this uneventful installment with a funny idea that Jeff had this week. How well do you remember that Robin Hood movie with all the animals? If you recall, King Richard goes off to war while the evil Prince John stays and steals everyone’s money using taxes. Not only is taxation totally legal, but since Robin Hood is set in medieval times, King Richard definitely went off on the Crusades to kill a whole bunch of people. Also I’m pretty sure the movie promotes fox sex (Note to editor, Google “fox sex” for further details. It’s not what you think, just trust me), but it’s still not as bad as “Zootopia.”
That’s all that I have.