My articles go through an active screening process. Ideas like “Magic Johnson AIDS Prom” and “Hanukkah is responsible for 90% of house fires” are cut and left to bleed in Room 301. But every now and then, a magic gem of borderline might-make-someone-beat-me comedy slips through Twombley’s tight, suffocating fingers.

With that in mind, it is my pleasure to introduce the comprehensive list of Spencer’s Gems™, Part One. (Note: I’m calling it “Part One” so I can do the exact same bit another week — presumably called “Part Two” — when I have yet again run out of ideas).

• Tom Hanks’ being nice fetish
• Jewish-Russian Roulette
• Kevin Spacey is a mean dude
• Bill Clinton passionately playing the saxophone
• Cocaine sand castles
• And the Nobel prize for sexiest jowls goes to…
• “Breath vape into my mouth while we make out, President Regan”
• Integrity, Innovation and DRUGS???
• The word “penis”
• Strip-magic the gathering
• Jerry Seinfeld narrating a war documentary
• Muppet Orgy
• Jamaican war horn
• Harassment in the TWERK place
• Paul Walker’s sexy corpse
• Keyboard cat goes to hell
• Amazon Alexa™ giving a eulogy
• Charming anti-semitism in Disney’s early films
• A shirtless Downton Abbey Fire-man themed calendar
• “If the teacher isn’t here in fifteen minutes we’re legally allowed to vomit in their desk”
• Spiderman but instead of webs he shoots pus
• Snapple facts to further an alt-right agenda
• Would you bloodlet for a Klondike Bar©?
• Will you pick the red pill or adderall?
• How many licks does it take to get to Dylan Notturno’s cold, cold heart?
• Hannah Montana but instead of turning into a popstar she turns into Rick Harrison from Pawn stars, and then proceeds to hit on high school boys
• Booty shorts for old people
• Tickle tickle, hammer and sickle

That’s all that I have.

Your pal,

Spencer

This week’s concept was given to me by Emily Reyes, a student at MIHS.